Sam

My book is officially on sale. If you enjoy humor, short stories, or simply looking cool in a coffee shop, check out HICKSPÁNIC. Now available in paperback & ebook. (Link in profile. If you type it as Hickspanic without the á, it won’t show up, but don’t give up. Try searching for Samuel H. Lowe.)

I tip $20 extra if the priest keeps the mass under 45 minutes.

"you don't have to post every thought you have" well that is news to me

if only immigrants, women, POC, trans people, and child stars were protected as much as pedophiles and politicians

the way things are going, the only safe thing to eat will be the rich

the year is 2026. salads give you explosive diarrhea. salsas and jalapeños have salmonella. popsicles contain shards of glass. Chipotle is like "big deal, that's always been our business model"

I finally understood the phrase, “rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic,” when I tried to make a plan to fix my life.

i would like to order a bowl of cigarettes. for the table.

If there's one thing I can't stand it's an unscheduled exchange of pleasantries.

Sting: every little thing she does is magic Neil DeGrasse Tyson: *vigorously shaking head*

I don't listen to people I only take advice from the wind

I always bite off more than I can chew so I learned to unhinge my jaw and swallow everything whole.

I had such high hopes for adult life but the reality is that I just have to go back to the grocery store for one thing every single day until I die

“Happy 10 Year Anniversary!” my boss emailed, reminding everyone that There Is No Escape

Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.

Me as a doctor: you might feel a little pinch Tiny lobster in my pocket: *clack clack*

This day in history. 1989. In Britain the government of vile weed Margaret Thatcher began privatizing public water authorities because what could go wrong with drinking water provided by the lowest bidder or a Conservative MP's sister's son-in-law's younger brother?

kids, life is like a game of pac-man, you spend your days running around and eating and trying not to die while multicolored ghosts chase you. life is also like being on shrooms

To whoever wrote "vagina repellent" on my pokemon backpack I will find you

My coping mechanisms now have coping mechanisms.

I love gazing upon my kitty's little furface but wonder if she thinks "I shall tolerate your weirdly bald front-head only as long as you're my food mother"

Competing against myself is a bitch

thinking about stealing fire from the gods. a hot take

Children are not born knowing how to hate. You have to expose them to the couples on House Hunters and explain it to them.

No horror movie has ever scared me as much as my phone ringing when I'm really baked

*25 second sigh* REPRESENTATIVE

I might be wine drunk, and I am, but what was I saying

quit acting like all of 2026 hasn't been spooky season

Starting a Bluesky band called “The Skeets.”

She invited me in, now I invade her dreams.

Burying myself in the emptiness of work.

I grew up in the church and the Bible says that in the end-days Christians would be hated and I always wondered why until a few years ago now I'm like yeah makes sense these assholes are insufferable

The drugs were so good in the ‘90s that one day some guy said “we should start listening to swing music again” and everyone else was just like “that’s a fucking great idea which isn’t weird at all”

ME: I got kicked off the jury at uncle Alan’s trial. MY MOM: It’s probably because you know him. ME: [wearing my t-rex costume] Probably.

Roast beef and gravy scented lip gloss

If our conversation lasts longer than 5 minutes I'm flipping my phone screen towards you with an option for 15%, 20% or 25% tip.