Stevevsninjas

EXCOMMUNICATE EXCOMMUNICATE

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

researching baseball

Each broom agent can spawn additional, autonomous broom agents, each with their own pails. This allows apprentices to accelerate monotonous water-fetching tasks and save their time and energy for more interesting and useful work

me: should i chronicle history or document current events? funk soul brother: write about now

the reflecting pool is looking great today

You've neutralized your last milk hotel!

I hate when I go time traveling and forget to bring my pastport.

The sort of thing you get offered by a guy in a Hold Steady song

Neighbour noticed my fortifications and started inquiring about my moat guy. Dream on, fella, I’ve already promised your vulnerable lands to one of my lesser brothers.

Professor: if the valley is shaped like a V it was formed by a river because River has a v in it. If the valley is shaped like a u it was formed by a glacier because Glacier has a u in it. Student : Glacier doesn't have a u in it. Professor: *shoves student into crevasse* now the glacier has u in it

hyperbole kills more people annually than all other literary techniques combined

A rolling bookcase ladder is the ideal mode of transportation. I just need a bookcase that runs between my house and the corner shop

trying to play peekaboo with my child but he's a European diplomat: me: where'd daddy go? baby: we must articulate a post-daddy vision of strategic autonomy me: peekaboo! baby: my historic relationship with my father is stable despite recent troubles

Whether it’s pictures of Barack Obama reading to a group of children with Zohran Mamdani or it’s pictures of Donald Trump with Jeffrey Epstein on an island full of sex-trafficked minors, occupants of the oval office are making some controversial choices about who they take pictures with.

it is acceptable to wipe your hands on a sleeping relative because they are your napkin

we invented these incredible devices called smartphones that give us all the world's knowledge at our fingertips

I’ve been trying on the same pair of pants since 1989 (it’s the world’s biggest pair of pants & I have been free-falling down one of what I assume is one of the legs—it’s hard to tell, it’s so dark in here—for 36 years).

I'm sorry ma'am, but your son perished on Kharg Island in a valiant effort to create Wii Bowling meme videos for the White House X account. In the face of danger, he was not cringe; he was based to his last breath. Please have this commemorative Epic Fury challenge coin. Yes that's Punisher, ma'am

To: All Staff Subject: Marketing We've rebranded the Murder Hornets as the Buzz Kills™️ Please note updated signage in the apiaries.

It’s actually FEWER Misérables

Today the streets of DC are black with Kristi Noem's running mascara

FIFA begins fabrication of newly invented 'War Prize'

me: adele is still out there chasing pavements & setting fire to the rain & it’s making my life seem like i’m living in the non-descript, depression city in the movie se7en. the priest giving me communion: maybe you should try not believing in god for a while.

TATTOO ARTIST: you mean "no regrets", right? ME: *crushing a picture of the egret that killed my father in my clenched fist* no

We are a few thousand subscribers away from being a bigger print newspaper than the Washington Post. We are a mere flurry away from humiliating one of the two Big Space Perverts. Ask not how a Space Pervert can dominate you. Ask how you can dominate a Space Pervert. Subscribe below.

If you scramble the letters of the word “responsibility” you will find both “insobriety” and “spinsterly” among the results. If you then take the time to type it out as a post, you can avoid your responsibilities for a moment longer. That’s a possibility, which is also a scramble result. Yippee.

I shut the medicine chest and there, in the mirror behind me, stood the killer: atherosclerosis

my dog, struggling to open her medicine, looks to me for help me: hey hey whoa read the label pal

Good morning. The President of the United States was in the middle of the most serious child sex trafficking ring of the last quarter century. He is referenced not a dozen times in the case files. Not 100 times. Not 1,000 times. He’s referenced 38,000 times.

Wait, you're telling me that the largest organ of my body, my skin, cannot function unless I rub it every day with a man-made protective lotion? How could evolution allow this to happen? I'm going to need to speak to your manager.

Wait. So, if you’re a parent…your kids are around ALL the time? That can’t be right. Feels excessive.

You: [checks driveway] You: [locks doors] You: [checks house to make sure you're alone] You: [opens a bottle of wine] Me: [rolls out from under couch] WHAT WE CLASSY MUTHAFUCKAS CELEBRATIN’

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus

In college I’d get rides back home from a friend’s cousin who spit chew into an open styrofoam cup in the flimsy fold-out holder on the dash of his honda accord. I’d just stare at the spit rocking dangerously back and forth as we raced through the mississippi valley. feels like that all the time now

Not shaved, not natural, but a secret third thing (crop circles)

Gotcha—let’s dig into that step by step. 1. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗻𝗼 𝗺𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗵, because I turned you into an amorphous lump of flesh. You’re not just immobile—you’re immortal, and you feel only anguish. 2. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗺. That makes total sense—it’s a natural human impulse, and you’ve been through a lot.

Me: *chopping onions* Wife: Are you crying? Me: I used to have a pet onion when I was a kid

President Trump has an opportunity to do the most popular thing he's ever done

With arms like bookends you can check out a whole shelf from the library in one shot but what the hell do I know, only all of the shit in 613.713 weight training and strength development