itguyA 🦋

I stole my therapist's notebook and every page is just those cool S shapes from the 90s

dont forget to thank this nameless hero today

Brussels sprouts will be 25% bigger this year, and may be sexier too

sure, everybody hates snake oil — until their snake starts squeaking

911: what is your emergency ME: i need to listen to smooth jazz 911: hold please

Please do, thanks1

Every public action on Bluesky is available via a stream of events known as the firehose. By monitoring the firehose for repeated text, it is sometimes possible to quickly detect groups of spam accounts as they spawn.

What Opened First in Every State Target or Walmart

Now that white nationalist Nick Fuentes has been arrested for pepper spraying and pushing a woman down the stairs, maybe he's eligible to be nominated for something by Trump

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

"It's for my kids," I say to the cashier bagging up the dinosaur toys, knowing full well it's for me.

Me: I have two birds inside of me. Doc: Swallow one stone. That oughta do it.

Pleading insanity in small claims court.

We've always been a fan of blueskies.

If President Trump can remain completely sober while sexually abusing women, then that's the least we can ask of Pete Hegseth.

texting the garbage man with a few pics of our trash can, getting him all riled up

bitches be like "bitches be like" when theyre the bitches that bitches be like

The letter that Pete Hegseth's mom wrote to him in 2018 is incontestably damning. Moms often have such selectively rosy sentiments toward their sons that we have cliches about it. But Pete was such a monumental shithead to women that his mom could not stay silent. Incredible stuff.

20 likes on twitter: I'm an idiot, a loser, a fraud, universally despised 20 likes on bluesky: well well well look who's Queen Bitch of Fuck Mountain

Smooth Mars bar wins Aylesbury man £2 compensation – and internet fame

bullshit that they only make this in baby sizes

what if millions of people posted they exact same meal one day but it wasn’t even a holiday it was just coincidence

I just fed him world’s spiciest pepper

1/ With more users joining Bluesky, we know how important it is to identify which accounts are real. Users deserve confidence that the accounts they interact with are authentic. Sharing some details about our impersonation policy 🧵

a frog has been croaking outside my window all day, buddy move on i am not going to fuck you

Sometimes I read replies on my posts and think omg these people are not eating enough potatoes

“sing us a song, you’re the piano man” piano man climbing down from the rafters like a gargoyle: very well

A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey.

I’m thankful for everyone using Bluesky, everyone building on atproto, everyone listening to our message and sharing our dream of a better social media ecosystem that puts people first. We’re going to do this together — thanks for joining us on this journey!

Just overheard the phrase, "pregnant with a baby," and secretly wondered what the other options were.

Does this parcel contain anything liquid fragile, perishable, or potentially hazardous? Yes