Tits McDick

This season of America really sucks.

i used to need alarms to wake up but now i just wake up to the overwhelming sense of dread every morning

It's ok to still be friends with people, even if they are really into jazz

If people are talking about work around you and you’re on your break then you get a free do-over

And now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for! *passes out*

𝘋𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘞𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺, 𝘉𝘦 𝘏𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺 is my favorite song about the wonderful world of anti-anxiety pharmaceuticals.

A bomb shelter, to avoid any show on network television.

When he flips the chicken nuggets halfway through baking

It's National Lie Down For A Bit Day

All I ever wanted was a man who doesn’t have noticeable digestive issues.

Some essential items are getting really expensive! Recreational drugs, for instance

I’ve been trying to come up with a scary Halloween costume. I’ve decided to dress up as a group of coworkers forced to sing Happy Birthday.

The list of meds I take includes painkillers, anti-depressants, stimulants and whatever else I find in my neighbor's medicine cabinet.

Facebook…where we get to see pictures of everyone’s uninteresting children.

I Put My Shirt On Inside Out When I Got Dressed Three Hours Ago and I Just Now Noticed -a memoir

bad news. it’s actually kind of nice to log off and get your chores done

I’ve been trying to come up with a scary Halloween costume. I’ve decided to dress up as my property tax bill.

Not to brag but I know a thing or two about fuckin' shit up.

go look at the moon

I just watched some AI cats sing “The Monster Mash”, so I’d say that’s worth running out of drinkable water.

it should be illegal to have a youtube channel

Halloween candy is expensive this year, so I’ll just be handing out bags of plasma.

A thimble for every fingertip. One can never be too cautious.

I’m always racing home to do all the nothing I can

Live, Laugh, Leinenkugel.

Halloween candy is expensive this year so I’ll just be handing out razorblades

Being kind to get your way is a sales technique, babe

It’s a beautiful night for LED headlights

I’m exotic, like ranch salad dressing.

*takes a drag off my candy cigarette and tells the neighborhood kids…yeah we didn’t have water bottles and had to actually pedal a bike

My sanctuary for one oversized marine mammal, its called Habitat for Huge Manatee.

I voided my own warranty when I removed that one skin tag.

Eating candy corn with chopsticks.

at the haunted arby’s havin’ a ghost beef & cheddar

Wake-n-bake has gone on for nearly 8 hours so I’d say today is pretty much shot.