ericwheeler.bsky.social

This too horny for 8am 90sOn9.

i miss when Biden had that dog that would bite everyone

emergency hotdog that heats up when you crack it like a glow stick

I bet the first person to say “geez Louise” was pretty proud of themself but chased that high the rest of their life.

Coach (1989-1997)

I’M AT THE URGENT CARE I’M AT THE TACO BELL I’M AT THE COMBINATION URGENT CARE AND TACO BELL

Me (in tears): guys, you can’t keep naming cannabis strains with aggressively bad names, this is at root a retail concern, think of customer attraction! Weed cultivator, like Adult-Swim levels of blitzed: what about this one

me when i pretend to throw the tennis ball for my dog

Just got outta the TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY 35th anniversary rerelease and Jesus Christ, man. What a movie. They had to do all that shit for real. They had to fly that helicopter under an overpass. They had to blow up that building. They had to find an actor who could turn into liquid metal.

🎶 if you're lost you can look and you will find me

*cake doing play-by-play of a football game* hes torn his meniscus

Restaurants need to stop with the QR code menus. I came here for a meal, not to day trade crypto.

infected lettuce entering my body to cause explosive diarrhea

Goes so hard

A Bluesky banking service wouldn't actually let you invest money; it would see the things you want to invest your money in and scold you about the various atrocities you're supporting by attempting to do that

Eating chips: normal, fine, okay Eating the little crumbly chips at the bottom of the bag: monstrous, piglike, "you're just gonna pour that in your mouth huh," american gluttony

[with tears in my eyes] dudes rock

every time trump is president you gotta wash your groceries

An Eddie Bauer Explorer used to command respect.

I took one look at that man’s hair and decided to trust everything he had to say about pool and pool related products

Dentist appointment tomorrow morning. Nice semi-annual reminder to trim my nose hairs.

Led the league in having that shit on is what he did.

[to the tune of Kokomo] Velveeta, fontina, ooh I wanna eat ya / Ricotta, burrata, come on pretty mama / haloumi, havarti, let's go fuckin party

[Drunk text] What is teh name of Snoppis' yellow frind? The berd

Ceci n'est pas une golden calf.

mission accomplished brother

i will only support the bailout of Spirit Airlines if that's what we force all federal elected officials to fly from now on

Charlie Browns mom: Waaah wah wah wah waaah waaah waaah wah Charlie Brown: oh, you mean pigpen Charlie browns mom: Wah way. Waaaah wahwahwah wah wah waaah waaaah wahwhawah wah wah Charlie Brown: yeah I get that. It’s pretty bad over there but I don’t think they hit him

JOHN WICK: [shoots fifty dudes] WINSTON: jonathan you’re expelliarmus. I have no choice but to instigato you to the syndicaticus HOT LADY: thats right [she tries to kill John Wick]

The difference between cucumbers and pickles is jarring.

he's back...

Kids these days have no idea how dangerous it was to play Quarterback in the 90's

Today I Will Look The Burrito Man In The Eye and other stories of manifesting success

Me and the boys sitting around eating beans trying to beat each others high scores.

Watching Trump deteriorate like I’m watching a microwave heat up food, why can’t this thing go faster I’m hungry

[God creating dogs] Oh these turned out great. Im going to want all of these back at some point

[watches Eddie and the Cruisers] I should start a band [watches Eddie and the Cruisers 2] I should grow a mustache

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

costco should be allowed to sell weed. i want the Kirkland Select Kush. a 300-count fish oil pill sized bottle of 5mg gummies would fix this country

Seeing Michael Clayton say he’s 45