OP Peanut Butter Success

Was temporarily cunfused until I realized I had no idea what I was talking about

*Trying to stop the mosh pit so everyone can help me find my earring*

Left or right

Art collectors: Spooky Pants is here. I’m signing all of these puppies and they’re shipping now. Only at theartofpants.com

People used to get online famous by saying like, “Uhh yeah, I love making my HOT BEAN JUICE every single morning!!!” But now you have to say like, the Monopoly Man fucked my ass

replying "stop" on regular texts to see if that works on them too

The pettiest hill that I will die on is that if your cool character in a historical novel is rolling their eyes at social conventions, no they're not, eye-rolling didn't become a widely described gesture in English literature until the *1980s* books.google.com/ngrams/graph...

butter is only for people who believe

Seeing adult twins is weird. Like this isn’t cute anymore

Sometimes I worry that laying down in my free time isn’t a hobby

World War One was the pee war. World War Two was the poo one

pumpkin done 🔪🎃

I do the "I'm da king of da highway" thing but for driving slowly. The king isn't in a hurry

My son was suspended from school for giving another student a "pigjob" and now we're all sitting around the empty dinner table as a family with our palms flat on the surface staring at nothing in particular in silence. It is understood none of us will ever ask what the word means.

Bluesky has four kinds of users

I've trained my dog to salivate at the sound of a bell thanks to my invention, the edible bell

this image was clearly made with such burning hate and yet over the years these two have become warm friends. they tapped into something real and true. me when i find a cool stick

Hey Gemini what is my kid's name and what does she look like, I'm at her school play and I can't figure out which one it is

Check out how easy this is.

So, unhappy 106th anniversary, Alexander, King of Greece, dead at just 27 on this day in 1920 from a macaque bite that went septic, leading—what with one thing and another—to a *lot* of other deaths, the birth of modern Turkey, and Prince Philip marrying the woman who would be Queen Elizabeth II...

Be careful what you wish for! I wished I was sexy and rich, and nothing happened

it's called the grapevine maybe you've heard through it

Jesus returns but he falls in love with juice and he forces everyone to call him Juiceus Christ and nobody can pay attention to his sermons because of how purple his teeth are.

My latest books cartoon for @theguardian.com

i think chicken pot pie should get you high

They said a soulful white boy in athleisure wear could never enjoy an apple cider doughnut on a crisp autumn afternoon😂

You can have it all My empire of dirt And I’ll lend you my Tide pen for your shirt

dying from too many one-liners is being sentenced to death

Nobody congratulates me for knowing shapes and colors any more. Even though I'm really good at it now

I have never been to a Cheesecake Factory and now I think I'm going to have to go at least once someday to see what all the fuss is about. Thanks Obama.

If you have Cheesecake Factory, Spaghetti Warehouse, and Souplantation in your opening hand, by turn three you're tapping for 7 colorless mana

Follow the accounts in @laminda.bsky.social's starter pack of independent news media. Vastly less likely to parrot bullshit right wing talking points for the pleasure of our billionaire overlords. go.bsky.app/2Fq4P6e

I’m Moby Dick for Halloween

“i'm a top" "i'm a bottom” Yeah, that’s how a horse costume works pal

A stress ball, but it works by pulling the pin and throwing it at the source of your stress.

Voted. Fuck those guys