normal carpet ride

LET THE PRESIDENT BUILD THE TERRORDROME!

uncanny resemblance

Fuck you, Tim Curry, you piece of shit.

I've been keeping screenshots of some of my favorite InfoWars subtitles.

look I love Tim Onion, he’s been so good to me and he’s doing amazing things but also the internet comes for us all eventually and for Tim, this was that reply. a masterclass.

[me reading that a guy my age died of a heart attack] I hope that mf did a lot of cocaine

Worth saying, they do not mention this or talk about it at all. Purely visual gag taking up 2% of the screen space that appears for maybe 15 seconds

Accidentally said "rotisserie phone" instead of rotary but I think with the right investors this could take off

at the gas station this morning paying over $60 to fill up my honda I chatted with some of the other customers. the refrain was constant: build the damn ballroom

mr president thakn you for inventing new math sir and also the word groceries

The Onion just on an all-time run right now

Salute to an all-time tweet

Yes, the fact that I'm attending the White House Correspondents Dinner might SEEM like a supine gesture of complete deference to the insane dullard who demands total obedience from the press, BUT that's until you see the secret message I have on my pocket square

Current status of the Strait of Hormuz dispute

Guys if melania were implicated in an international conspiracy of systematic sexual assault and pedophilia ring I’m pretty sure brett ratner would have mentioned it in the documentary

FOX HOST: The strait's right there! Go through it! OIL TANKER CAPTAIN: I can't Sir. I'm Woke! ME (watching through binoculars): He's woke! He won't do it!

This tweet preceeds and anticipates deaths in Operation Epic Fury by almost 15 years

the former host of celebrity apprentice and the former host of fox & friends weekend are launching bombs and destabilizing the world for generations all because voters decided their biggest issue was a trans kid playing jv tennis with their friends 4 states over

our government combines the impulse control of pete hegseth, the intellectual rigor of rfk jr, and the attention span of donald trump with elon musk’s signature sense of humor

We’re gonna need a bigger Hague.

sorry, but the Founding Fathers' original intent for the 2nd Amendment was always *just* to do school shootings

if i was running a political party and every time my opponents held power they started illegal wars for oil and crashed the economy i would simply say that repeatedly

I think it’s unfair to claim that Trump is only attacking Venezuela because he wants to sell their oil to his rich friends. It’s also possible Trump is attacking Venezuela because he wants to sell their children to his rich friends.

"we're here to inspect your daycare center"