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Fuck these people

I wish everyone involved in this a very merry Tried In the Hague

“and 24/7 human monitoring” So, a bunch of cameras constantly watched by low paid service center employees in Bangladesh then? Got it.

The most wealthy are the criminals? And also most often the ones doing crime against each other

The crime is coming from INSIDE the house…

Does it come with free giant spiders?

If they're not going to redistribute their wealth, someone else'll do it for them

It’s unreal how nonexistent reading comprehension is tech bros It’s like with “The Boys” and Homelander, even when you’re being comically obvious, they’re still too stupid to get it And things like LOTR were written wit young adults in mind. A preteen can discern good vs evil, but not Peter Thie

Oh good, we're living in a time that proves cartoon supervillains aren't too unrealistic.

headquarters are at 666 Mt. Doom Ave, Mordor, Middle-earth

We've almost reached the guillotines stage, haven't we. You gotta come out sooner or later Zuck.

I was just thinking about what will happen when homeless people outnumber the richies by a couple orders of magnitude I would guess they're starting to seriously worry about that these days

"Worried about security? Install the fucking All-Seeing Evil Eye of Sauron in your house" is what I'd write for an ad in a dystopian capitalist sci fi setting for a mass surveillance camera system. Who tf thought that should be their pitch deck

At least Sonos sucked shit, too.

What idiocy. And the story is ratioed. 🤣 You're so credulous. It's embarrassing.

No interest or sympathy whatsoever

Could we just destroy this company now? I feel it would save time. Even if the name was chosen ironically…

Ring Wraith

Rich tech people are getting scared of their security all of a sudden… hmmm maybe you shouldn’t have tried to create so much wealth inequality in the first place?🤨

"When Kevin Hartz’s security system failed to alert him as an intruder rang his doorbell..." Wait, so someone rang the doorbell and he flipped out? It's almost like they know what they are doing to people and are afraid of consequences

Well at least we all know they are scared

Of course, said pterodactyl man named himself after Tolkien's villain. But unlike tech-bros pterodactyl man has actually read the book.

This month's Nerdiest Thing I've Read. You've made me very happy. It's my fave super-villain quote: "I don't want to cure cancer! I want to turn people into dinosaurs!"

*named Edit button, please.

That is one big red flag with shattered hearts, broken dreams, and despair written all over it.

No I swear I wasn’t spoken to please Oak you gotta believe me!

So his security system can be undone by some little dudes is what you’re saying…

In the 70s & 80s these guys would have been serial-killers preying on runaways & sex workers. Nowadays they can just found a tech startup with a Tolkien name & kill fully legally with billions in funding & tons of government contracts.

Sam Gamgee enters the chat

This isnt an episode of Silicon Valley, so could one of you “reporters” possibly call these cunts fucking cunts to their faces, on record and also punch their fucking idiot, vichy, vatnik faces in. Many thanks Consensus Reality

Everyone is 12. Except billionaires, they're 10.

There is also that startup that helps people recoup their medical expenses. I think it was called Luigi.

They KNOW they’re evil and hated and they’re trying to get away with being more so.

Maybe don’t be shitty to people instead of hiding from them…

I would like to introduce my new AI powered proformance management tool that lets you track your employees efficiency called Barad-dûr.

Hey, look, it's more guys about whom one can only shake one's head and exclaim, with bitter fervour, "Man, fuck those guys".

They have people. To do that for them (people soon to be replaced by machines).

Starting a company called "Henry from «Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer»" We do software

They're giving access to their houses to former military (aka mercs)??? Please continue, what could possibly go wrong?

If the very wealthy are concerned about crime - paying more tax, reducing wealth inequality & ensuring everyone has a home, food to eat & access to healthcare would be the most effective response. Creating a police state & Organising society to benefit a small subset of ppl and screw the rest isn’t

Tech bros are literally the stupidest high IQ fools on fictional middle earth. Palantir, Sauron, Oracle?!? They spent too much time rolling the 64 sided die and now we all are paying the price.

I see my stance of “if I win the power ball I’d rather give most of it away than turn into a weirdo” holds

>"Sauron is appearing on the scene" I knew that guy Annatar the Gift Giver seemed a lil sus

Sauron was the bad guy

READ ANOTHER BOOK

He'll soon open the Rape and Murder Moving Co.

If he comes from Soros, it will unaccountably not work on random days. Not the best idea for a security system.

Is he the guy that screwed the sonos app update that took months to fix last year? Some product manager. Perfect fail up material. Meritocracy Smeritocracy.

Famously didn't get breached by a weird little guy with a love of explosives and a disregard for personal safety

These tech bros need to be bought to heel when the Dems are back in. They are insane and want a dystopian world

The same class of people who thought Soylent was a good name for something edible?

If they're naming it after a totalitarian would-be fascist overlord at least they're stating their intentions honestly I suppose.

Forget never leaving high school. These people never left middle school. I bet they communicate with each other in elvish. Still a fan of LotR, but this stuff is cringeworthy and embarrassing. But the reason they feel they need it is hilarious.

"...concierge service staffed by former military and law enforcement personnel. 'Those people understand patterns,' he said." They are selling some serious smoke there. Smoke and gold plated Ring cameras.

Why do tech bros hate Tolkien?

Uhh, the rich are the criminals. What they’re worried about isn’t crime, it’s revolution.

Does anybody have a picture of the monstrous hydrofoil in question?

Crimes against the wealthy? Let's send Smaug!

Seeing how humans have treated sharks (and other apex predators) throughout history, he kinda was.

“Keeping Mordor secure since the first age.”

can’t think of a better name for the company than “the guy in Tolkien who was so obsessed with his own bullshit that he didn’t notice a breakin and ended up losing everything”

Might as well have named it after the casino Danny Ocean robbed.

Those were Pyrrhic victories. Sauron would have conquered Middle Earth if it weren't for those darn kids. Er, sorry, hobbits.

Ork-iest companies

They never call themselves by the “good guy” names and GEE I WONDER WHY THAT IS.

"No one will enter your house! Not even the police! Line that would ever happen right lol!"

Wait, this ISN’T an onion article?

It is always bald dudes that are the most insufferable.

And, when I say people I mean assholes

Onion headline

"CEO of hot new SV babysitting app 'JonBenet Ramsey's Parents,' Bob 'Jimmy Savile' Wilkenson, says AI is here to stay"

Rising crime among the most wealthy just makes it sound like they’re concerned about white collar crime, but I know that can’t be true.

Can any of the techbros actually read? Like I know they all say they get up at 4 AM and read the entirety of Atomic Habits or Sun Tzu before 7 AM - but I'm really having my doubts on their literacy levels.

this feels like a squid game/hunger games/elysium prequel original story

It's called what?

This isn't the Onion?

Sauron, didn’t a couple of guys break into his property and destroy the one thing he wanted?

The Fellowship of the Mansion Heist Crime Ring. Let’s fucking go

The real killer app for concerns about the rise in crimes committed by the most wealthy

These tech douches really need to get out of their precocious tweendom. Or maybe read something other than Lord of the Rings.

We're like a year out from a new tech startup called Son of Sam or some shit.

Every early adopter of Sonos with a houseful of first gen kit looking at this choice of CEO and going “nope, nope, nopity nope nope nope”

The unblinking eye had a pretty famous exploitable blind spot

Next up, the orphan grinder and grandmother fuel pollutotron? These dork ass losers are asking for it.

If he's responsible for screwing up Sonos, he'll be a great asset!

It's like none of these guys ever, actually read the books and understood the meaning of these names…

They just want you to assume that they control all of the Ring cameras.

“Fraud Guarantee” - remember that company? (Lev Parnas who actually ended up doing the right thing though)

On the Russian market it’s a boon

No, it's a giant eye ringed with flame atop a dark spire. The flames are red, however.

"Sauron... isn't a red flag?" No, it's more of like, a big flamey eye thingy

"It didn't occur to us to fact check" is pretty damning of the company even if you extend them the entirety unearned courtesy of assuming it's not on purpose. Deep down I think Thiel just really hates Tolkien.

That or they all wish they were the ones saying shamone and not the ones getting their teeth kicked in. youtu.be/-DlMoJ2V6uk?...

Insufferable alt-right nerds?

👁️

“sauron: for people who thought the name “palantir” wasn’t on the nose enough”

No, that is Sauron. This panel from the same page shows him talking *to* Stegron.

Winning take

Wormtongue, your new LLM chat bot

Each customer gets their own special ring!

A dogwhistle for all nazis " who love have theire ring destroyed " ? #Whoknows 🤷

A white "security" startup who uses a LotR naming convention should be an automatic red flag.

I assume this name was chosen after he found that he couldn’t register Hitler as his company name.

These people are such dipshits pca.st/episode/cb2a...

This is only ok if it’s a reference to the Lego Batman Sauron, played by Jemaine Clement getyarn.io/yarn-clip/26...

And Big Brother was just sitting there