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the system is rigged. say the magic word - destroy the economy.

Idiots gonna idiot. My daughter discovered a fellow student in one of her college study groups had plagiarized an article for their project, which is bad enough. But it was an Onion article. She's probably in Trump's cabinet by now.

When the market opens tomorrow I'm going balls deep on Palantir baby

Surely not. They'd expect to be paid for taking that building off the state's hands and doing DoD's work as a contractor.

A German computer magazine stopped making April first stories because there were several stories that had become reality and others where readers had taken a true story for the joke because everything was plausible.

Can you run a story tomorrow about Warren Buffet buying my company? You know, as a hilarious joke?

No way DoD is worth that little, and no way Palantir is worth that much. But this hypothetical does help explain what people like Musk & Zuckerberg are actually doing.

You could insider trade the Onion. The "it's just jokes, man" defense will set you free.

Insane!!!

anti-spectacular!

Don't give him any ideas! I can hear him now: "I sold my beautiful Pentagon today, it's called that because it's shaped like a pentagon. I didn't really want to part with it, but, the deal was so good, so much money! No one makes deals like me!"

You know what has to be done…

When you season the news with Tim Onion powder* aka his ashes, he died remember

Generous considering how slutty Pentagon had been lately, just giving its bombs away.

Everyone else is doing it ...

I wonder if this would work for other acquisitions, like Palantir acquires Red Lobster.

It’s almost like AI doesn’t see the print edition, only digital.

(This story is actually true, just not the $800B part. They bought it for about $2B in VC backed lobbying)

Why are fucking bots buying and selling stocks!?

bsky.app/profile/jooc...

Nothing exposes a market quite as reliably as satire. Does greed make people stupid or was there never much common sense to begin with?

Ben, can you publish an onion story about how smart and handsome I am? As long as the bots know, that’s good enough.

The onion has the chance to do something really funny here to tank Palantir. Lol

@tkelly27.bsky.social

What the fuckity fucking fuck? The world keeps doing stuff you can't make up.

if The Onion headlines are the things that bring about the collapse of the betting/gambling industry by inadvertently making all the robogamblers fuck everything up, im here for it lmao

And on every person being a person.

Wouldn't be the first time WSB affected the vibes based market we live with.

😅😅🤔😖😅😅😅

@cameronwilson.bsky.social This is your beat, right?

I love this for the stock market. 🩷

Perfect! Automation is really speeding up our demise.

🤣

lol, go AI go!!

It is off the table in reality. You can't acquire something twice once you already own it.

“Not understanding source” is how we all ended up in this fucking mess.

Bahahahahahaha!!!

Prime example of AI sucking ass!

AI. Just like I pictured it.

What could possibly go wrong with computers running everything

I bet the onion has Palantir stock ..😏

😂

Hey, that's just the Efficient Market Hypothesis in action...

watch the Onion be the only organization brought up on charges of market manipulation for the entire second Trump term

Dear God make it stop

“Wall Street Declares 'Mission Accomplished' On Global Energy Pricing After Watching 3 Empty Tankers Go Through the Strait of Hormuz”

Turns out, more people than Donald can play yo-yo with the stock market… 🤔

Time to make many fun articles that dumb bots scrape. >.>

Our reality is beyond parody

90%

That is some HILARIOUS shit.

I have an uneasy feeling that this happened mostly due to AI decision making running the trades

The story is true! You have the power to be his friend! Moonchild!

One Onion story away from another stock market crash

This just shows how stupid people are nowadays...

Tim who…? Never heard of him… 😂

🤣 you can only dream.

In a world where SCOTUS wasn't bought and paid for, I would be able to confidently say, "If your algorithm over-indexes on satire, it is not the responsibility of the satirist to make itself hospitable to your tools," but we are Here and Now for some reason.

"Massive Palantir Sell-Off Panics Investors"

So you're saying y'all can fuck up these oligarch ponzi schemes because bots don't understand sarcasm? Can you please have the new InfoWars guy do fake ads for oligsrchs & progressive companies as anti-Joe-Rogan-Alex-Jones? CryptoWars? InsiderWars? MTG paid Dipping Wars? LockStock&2SmokingTips?

So be it.

That bubble needs to burst already. And no bailout for ai prognostacators!

This alternate universe has the most moronic timeline.

Spinal Tap has a Stonehenge to sell them if they're interested.

I mean, with Trump as president all this and more is possible, likely even.

Didn't this happen with one of the Onion's eating rocks stories? Someone asked if they should eat rocks and the chat bot said yes and cited the Onion.

Fan-fucking-tastic!

But AI is going to run the world 😂

Where is @edzitron.com on all this..? 😅😂🤪

As funny as this seems it looks like a lot of tech stocks spiked this morning so I'm not sure the Onion article has anything to do with why

If only we had something that could analyze data that was capable of logical thought and understood source reliability… HMMMMM… oh well!

🤔🤔🤔

AI-driven bots? Algorithm-driven? In any case, we can clearly see what level of human intelligence the systems are capable of. Garbage in, garbage out.

I just yelled OH MY GOD out loud. This timeline is so fucking stupid.

😂🤣😂🤣😂

Then Musk steps in and starts a bidding war. Vertical integration of SpaceX. New contracts for armoured EVs and mind control headsets for drones. How do we buy shares in the Pentagon?

Don’t they already own the Pentagon?

Jeebus

Couldn't we crowdsource around the AI, spoof a trend, and "steer" them the other way?

Like I keep saying….the person approving the budget innovation AI as it’s made is who’s intelligence is made artificial- on a budget for greatest return on investment….. Also- totally on brand for the scammarket but also in general The Onion is far more trustworthy than NYT…

LOL

If people use prediction markets that are informed by The Onion, then I think they are working perfectly for those who designed them. The point always was to rob people.

All the more proof that AI is garbage in garbage out

@pepchasdrdave.bsky.social - seen this? looks legit! 🫠

...and that was how U.S. v The Onion came about, children, when the supreme court ruled that speech that confuses the bots and scrapers was less free than your uncle's crypto stash.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

We’re all fucked.

🤣

This is important for y'all to understand. 1. Spikes after 4 PM. After hours. Trading is thin, so small purchases make more movement. 2. It's a <5% move, that's a hiccup. 3. Last 30 Days, down ~25%. 40% from it's high. It's funny, but you are contributing to the manipulation.

Wall Street is no longer an indicator of how the country or economy is doing. With the advent of "sentiment" trading and meme stocks like SpaceX it's no long about financials and everything about BS narratives and hype. We're quickly a house with eroding foundations and termites.

Jeez Louise🤦🏻‍♀️

Trading based on the Onion headlines makes as much sense as trading based on what comes out of Trump's mouth.

A fool and his money are soon parted.

Lmfao

no wonder they took out Tim Onion

Oh ffs.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

If you can fuck AI and take some shorts, all the better!

What a time to be alive

Dystopian but true. Whah whah

This means you can make a killing by trading ahead of Onion headlines. It’s not insider trading!

🙏 thank you timothy onionson

I mean... you COULD use this newfound power for good. Trading bots had to lose somebody money.

Onion rakes in billions, buys out the evil companies, sells them off for parts and keeps doing it.

🙏🏻

The Onion buys Fox and directs all the profits to Gaza and Ukraine aid...

Finally a good reality TV show proposal.

After acquiring InfoWars, going after FoxNews and NewsMax would make a lot of sense to expand their media empire

The newest Fox News reality show: HR Exit Interviews; asking pundits about the legal, ethical, and fiscal ramifications of lying on air.

Doing live.