Post

Andrew Kniss
@wyoweeds.bsky.social

"Mr. Hollywood movie star, who apparently has never once gotten his hand stuck inside a grain auger or had a ring finger pulped by a carelessly swung sledgehammer, reportedly gets the goo-goo eyes from all the waitresses at Tyler’s Diner..." theonion.com/mr-pretty-bo...

theonion.comMr. Pretty-Boy Farmer Still Has All His FingersPARKERSBURG, IA—Forty-eight-year-old local farmer Eli Ridley is a real pretty-boy looker who still has all 10 of his digits, sources reported Monday.
Crip Dyke
@cripdyke.bsky.social

Downocrats vs Getuplicans with George Clinton pleading for everyone to come together and agree to get up for the down stroke? I don't remember that one at all.

Diesel of Sarcasm
@dsng480.bsky.social

“Repeated biting of the skull and face is the textbook way to fend off a human attack,” said Mike Kasperski, biologist and author of the book Hikers: Shadows In The Forest. The mother, however, became increasingly aggressive due to the presence of her young. theonion.com/brave-mounta...

theonion.comBrave Mountain Lion Fends Off Group Of HikersEUREKA, CA—A local mountain lion came face-to-face with a group of hikers and made it out alive, sources reported Monday. Wildlife officials are crediting the courageous cougar’s quick thinking, catli...
Kiki Molloy
@kikimolloy.bsky.social

OK, so we all get that this is meant to be parody and those of us who lived through 9/11 know first hand how horrific it was. But HOLY SHIT I can't stop laughing that this f'g ad...the imagery, the copy, the PRICE!

Grant Babcock
@grantbabcock.bsky.social

"Lady Gaga Kidnaps Commissioner Gordon" is my favorite headline (the article itself is a perfunctory piece that was pretty clearly written to justify the existence of the headline) "National Funk Congress Debates Get Up/Get Down Issue" is probably my favorite article.

AbstractHauntcept
@abstractconcept.bsky.social

Satire is a pin to deflate the egos of pompous assholes, and the Onion always brings a pin the size of a harpoon. For me, nothing will ever be as scathingly funny as "It Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As Possible: — theonion.com/it-is-journa...

theonion.comIt Is Journalism’s Sacred Duty To Endanger The Lives Of As Many Trans People As PossibleThe task of reporting is not a simple one. Each and every day, reporters and editors at publications like The Onion make difficult decisions about which issues should receive attention, knowing that o...
Mara Sineps Miller
@marasimile.bsky.social

This is a favorite, American People Hire High Powered Lobbyist To Push Interests in Congress. “The goal is to make it seem politically advantageous for legislators to keep the American people in mind when making laws,” theonion.com/american-peo...

theonion.comAmerican People Hire High-Powered Lobbyist To Push Interests In CongressWASHINGTON—Citing a desire to gain influence in Washington, the American people confirmed Friday that they have hired high-powered D.C. lobbyist Jack Weldon of the firm Patton Boggs to help advance th...
Kyle Sparks of Bodyslam.net
@kyleksparks.bsky.social

Too many to list, but I can definitely think of my first favorite. When I was in college, my roommate and I thought this was about the funniest thing we had ever read. theonion.com/fun-toy-bann...

theonion.comFun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead KidsWASHINGTON, DC–In cooperation with the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, Wizco Toys of Montclair, NJ, recalled 245,000 Aqua Assault RoboFighters Monday after three dumb kids managed to kill the...
Eamonn Hart
@eamonnhart.bsky.social

This one has lived rent-free in my head for decades. "It’s too bad my friend Chad’s brother wasn’t there, because he totally knows t’ai chi and shit.”

Reacher cuddles kitties, why don’t you?
@justcuddlinmycat.bsky.social

I never saw that subway ad before,is it bad that I can’t stop laughing? My favorite has always been this one. I think of it every time a coworker calls condiments “food lube” theonion.com/new-high-vis...

theonion.comNew High-Viscosity Mayonnaise To Aid In American SwallowingENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ–The act of swallowing will soon be easier for millions of food-shoveling Americans, thanks to QX-1, a revolutionary new high-viscosity/low-friction mayonnaise developed by scienti...
Laughing Rat
@laughing-rat.bsky.social

Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by...

David Dylan
@kzonedd.bsky.social

My mom ran away/dropped out at 14, raised six children and 30+ foster kids of varying duration (most of the extremely difficult kind: traumatized, criminal, etc.) all of whom left at least one school level higher, worked bar during day, got her degree at night. Ergo: we all did our part. Rightly so.

Rick Adams
@ryjkyj.bsky.social

I love this joke. A little while ago somebody on bluesky referred to people in the song “everybody have fun tonight” as having “wanged chun” and it blew my mind.

Drastic
@drastic.bsky.social

It might not exist in online form, and it kills me I didn't save the paper copy. From its prehistory as just a little local printing in Madison, the headline I start giggling about every time I remember it was: DAN QUAYLE POOPS ON FLOOR

JLAKBJ
@jlakbj.bsky.social

Nothing beats the ball of white hot rage and Iraq point-counterpoint, but these are some of my favorites theonion.com/i-got-what-a... theonion.com/ioc-clears-p... theonion.com/pope-wins-ho... An old one where the concept is a million times better than the execution: theonion.com/super-monkey...

theonion.comI Got What America Needs Right HereSometimes I’m a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I’m wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and ...
Derek A
@sondeerrf.bsky.social

Hey Craig. I can’t believe I’ve never seen this one before. Also, we’ve never met. But due to you sharing this triggering post I’ve decided I don’t like you. One could say hate even. Cause my goodness that is a spot on Onion article. Excuse me while I go yell at a cloud….